I'm at that point that parents know is coming...eventually...yet never actually expect: We're hunting for a college for my daughter. As many things as we've done together as mother-daughter and as a family, after visiting only one college this feels completely different.
The push-pull of my daughter is keen. One minute she's loudly calling me a "weirdo" because I asked someone on campus for directions, the next she's looking at me with the same open gaze she had when she was a wee one watching my every move.
I give her wide berth - let the insults roll off my back as often as possible, adjust whatever mood I'm in to a soft-love whenever I see those big eyes, focused yet relaxed, briefly-kindly taking me in. Our best and worst parts are splayed like old game pieces strewn across an all-new board in our game of life, and I feel like I'm trying to figure out how to set up the pieces so that everyone wins.
The new terrain my daughter and I are forging runs parallel to new terrain I'm forging within myself. As our family's cancer experience came to a punctuation point of good news, I dared to take my eyes off of my husband and put them on yours truly.
(insert silent scream here)
"Hello, 1-800-CompleteLifeChange? Help me!"
Drastic changes were needed inside and out. While my husband had undergone surgeries and treatment I'd let my body go completely - after having lost significant weight. I'd not nourished myself with any manner of soul or brain food. I felt much older than I had before my husband had been diagnosed, and it was a bit scary - heaviness, aches, my new very slow pace.
All of a sudden I clearly saw the life-long excuses and childish habits I'd allowed to run amok, sabotaging both unique opportunities and everyday moments to be productive, have fun, and build a legacy of which my children can be proud. All of a sudden I realized I had to stop my senseless rebellions against now non-existent demons and grow myself up.
Cliche twelve-step lines such as, "If it's meant to be it's up to me," made mad-crazy sense, as did that song lyric that goes something like, "You've got to live like you're dying." Too true; I now know firsthand that really-truly-ooly, "You never know."
So I'm back to belly dance (love it!). I've joined a running clinic where I am the slowest person in the worst shape - and it's ok. I joined Creative Every Day on January 1 of this year, and while I don't check in with the group regularly I do manage to keep being creative in little ways nearly every day; sometimes it's when I'm cooking, sometimes when I crochet and definitely whenever I pick up a camera or a pen - even if I'm only using that pen to doodle!
My body may be slow to respond to these efforts, but my mind and soul are in a much better place. Occasionally I find myself wishing I'd gotten on this better path years and years sooner - but I was doing the best I could with what I knew and what I had. I was ready to make real changes this year, and I'm making them.
Which brings me full circle. You know how they say you should start saving for college as soon as your babies are born? (Another boat I missed but, again, we'll figure it out.) Well, the other thing you should do before, during and after your babies are born is take care of yourself.
All the best to you & yours~
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