7 Tips to Help New Moms Deal with "Negative Crap"

This morning I was drawn to my cousin's facebook post: "Being a parent teaches you the true definition of love." I hit the "comment" button to agree, but then I read a response from one of her friends:

"So true. How hard is it with two? People keep telling me such negative crap. It's scaring the heck out of me."

That took me back - nearly 18 years back, to be exact, when I had my first child, my girl, and my first experience with what felt like assaults on my very soul - the "negative crap" that no new Mom needs.

I got it from my Mom: "I told you you'd wind up with a c-section... Don't you think you should supplement with formula? You should make more noise around the baby so she's used to it. Oh, my God, why do they give so many vaccines so young?"

My mother-in-law, while on the phone one room away: "I don't know; I think she should feed her cereal... Go out more and leave the baby here... I don't know what she's doing..."

Family: "What kind of a first name for a girl is that? The baby doesn't sleep well because she carries her so much - and why does she have to carry her face out? So weird..."

Friends: "Stay away from household chemicals... Feed her organic foods, use organic cotton sheets... Formula is poison..."

Even our first pediatrician, within days of my delivery: "You're just not a milk producer; give up the breastfeeding and start giving her formula."

It was a clash of generational thinking, olde world vs progressive world with generous helpings of outright thoughtlessness. It was an onslaught not so much of advice as directives from people who meant well, but rarely asked what I wanted - or took the time to get to know my baby as she was (and still is, to this day). It was a lot of negative crap, and it was really, really hard on me.

Can you relate?

A people pleaser and a young woman with very little self-confidence, it took every ounce of my energy to feel my way to methods and routines that were right for me and my baby girl. At times I felt like it was me vs my "village," which felt all wrong. At times I was very depressed.

So this is what I wound up writing on my cousin's facebook page this morning, fleshed out here with some additional thoughts. If you're a new Mom - or a Mom who's expanding her family - dealing with a lot of negative crap, I hope these ideas are helpful, and that they give you some measure of comfort and confidence:

1) Don't let too much of the negative in, and try not to take everything personally. This is much more easily said than done; it's about your baby, for goodness sake! It's all personal! And then there are your hormones readjusting themselves, and new emotions, and...ai-yi-yi! It's a lot of sensitive stuff.

That said, try to remember that those who are advising you, even in irritating, judgmental or arrogant ways, are people who really do love you and your child. So try to create a filter that separates what they have in their hearts from what they're saying (through their egos) that rubs you the wrong way. Try to keep your heart open to receive their love, and to consider their advice in the realms of your brain - where you have the final say-so.

2) Follow your instincts, knowing that YOU know your baby better than anyone else. Certainly learn from others and from reading, knowing that whatever choices you make, when you act from a place of love (in the very best interests of your baby's health and happiness), you are doing things "right."

In the case of my daughter, here are a few of many things I understood about her that bear out to this day: She's got super-sensitive, can-hear-a-dust-mote-drop ears (making "noise" around her was never a good idea if I wanted her to get sleep). She had a sensitive tummy - she never liked to be pressed against people when held, and she rarely crawled. So holding her face-forward was a kindness to her, as was having her sleep on her side and not her belly (as some olde world babysitters kept insisting despite SIDS warnings and my daughter's obvious discomfort). And the nearly non-existent crawling (that some people in my village got so crazy about)? Well, years later she had some occupational therapy with a little bit of physical therapy to make up for lags in those departments. By her own admission she's no athlete, but today she is doing just fine.

3) When you make mistakes, as we all do, forgive yourself Keep in mind that by example, you are teaching your child how to handle such moments.

4) Remember to tend to yourSELF. Our children have invisible cords of connection to our minds, hearts and souls. Your self care matters now and throughout your lifetime w/ your child, from so many different angles.

5) A great partner helps, but...if yours doesn't "get it" - doesn't have the same instincts that you have - try to communicate what you know with kindness, clarity and patience. Acknowledge when your partner DOES get it. Acknowledge when your partner comes up with a better way to do things! Remember that your children are always watching how you treat each other.

6) When you need an assist, whether from your partner or someone else, be sure to ASK. Women often feel like they should always be able to handle everything themselves, and that just isn't so. Especially after birth or the rigors of the adoption process, you need time to heal, adjust to the 24 hour-a-day thinking and feeling you now do for your wee one(s), explore and grow into your identity as a parent. These are things we mostly do without thinking about them - but they're better done when we're not too often and too consistently overtired, overwhelmed, and feeling unsupported.

7) Be a good "villager." I think we need to revisit the "it takes a village" approach and, to be a good member of our village, we need to stop judging each other's parenting skills - and be mindful of when we are the ones dispensing negative crap. All it takes, in my opinion, is to simply offer the best we can to each other and our children with boundless compassion and open minds.

Whether you are expecting, have a newborn or are expanding your family, I wish all you Mamas a very happy day! <3